Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There. Just needed to let that breath out. Felt like I was holding it all day. Daughter is in bed sound a sweet sleep and hubby is rockin out with his guitar buddies. I am home. Quiet. Peace. Serenity now.
At our church we have vents on the floor for the air conditioner. I can't quite get my head around that. It's a bit tricky at communion time when the minister is standing close to one, and as a person in line (wearing a skirt) you have to try really hard not to end up standing on top of the vent as the line moves. Might be a terrible Marilyn Monroe moment. O loves the vents. Maybe that's why they are there. She was fascinated with them tonight. Loud giggles would erupt as she bent forward and had the gust of cold wind blowing right in her face. Her amazing amount of hair was blowing every direction. She would stay for a few seconds, turn away giggling and run in a circle, to end up at the vent once more.
I'm the parent with the little one running (and may or may not be screaming or talking constantly) around in the foyer of the church during mass. The parent who feeds her 14 month old crumbless snacks while in the pew to keep her entertained and quiet (and because the mass times we can attend these days are complete opposite of what works with her schedule. I need all the help I can get). The parent who lets her bring her stuffed giraffe that plays soft music when it is wound up, or when she moves it neck during the quietest part of mass. Oh boy. The parent who realizes I had wayyyyy to many opinions about people who had kids before I was a person with a kid. I get it now.
I think the stranger beside us gets it too. He was an older gentleman attending mass with his wife. O had the run of about 2 feet in the pew between me and the gentleman. He truly was gentle, with her. She kept walking over to him (yes of course, during the scripture readings), trying to share her snacks or show him her book. Instantly I didn't know what to do - was she bothering him, was he feeling disturbed from prayer, did he hate kids? I saw a tender smile be given from him to her and she ran back to me and smiled at me. As if to say, "that man smiled at me and it made me happy". He entertained her a few more times, holding out his hand when she put a soggy piece of snack in it and he giggled. He even acknowledged her during the sign of peace, my heart was touched. Another gentleman across the aisle was making eye contact with my little princess and she was loving it. He was kind too. Near the end of mass I was trying to pack the baby bag back up while holding a very tired and crying baby girl. Sippy cup drops out of bag and starts rolling down the aisle. Gentleman gets up, and retrieves the cup for me. I almost cried and managed a very humble "thank you so much". My heart brakes for single parents. Being alone with O in situations like this really sink their journey into my heart. I love kind strangers. I try to be one too.
More of me has emerged. I can feel it. I can see it. I am grateful for some recent experiences that have brought me to this.(I am that living lemon still) I believe I do the best I can each day, that life is a journey not a destination (here on earth at least). I have some questions for my God when I get to be with Him again. Sometimes I think I'll sound like Jerry Seinfeld when I get to the pearly gates - a bit sarcastic but truly wanting to know the whats and whys behind some silly things!
I'm weepy today. Not too strange, I am a woman after all. Could be lack of remembering to take a medication I am supposed to take. Could be cyclical if you know what I mean. Could be a lot of things I suppose. Sometimes the tears feel good. Perhaps the release they bring? I got extra time snuggling with O tonight. When I don't have a lot of time with her on the days I work, it seems as if she needs more of me at night when we are together. I don't mind one bit. Tonight was that sort of night. She did not want to be put to bed when she was, so the screams announced. I rocked with her and sang to her and cried. It was mystical. I still can't believe in moments like this that I am a momma and this is my baby girl. Sigh. Just took off my glasses to wipe my eyes again - tears of thanksgiving, truly.
Allowing myself to be transformed
March 31, 2012
March 28, 2012
What in thee kale?
Some things I have enjoyed lately:
Hearing the teeny tiny voice of my little mini me signing softly as I sing or humm. Steals my heart each time.
The smooth feel of my steering wheel in the van. I am a texture snob, I admit. The leather is pulled really tight which creates that smooth, unsquishable feeling. Quirky, I know.
A super simple hot sauce that my dear friend Kata gave me: 1 small can tomato sauce, 3 or 4 tepin chiles (mineature pinball sized red chiles usually found in the Mexican spice aisle), 1 or 2 garlic cloves and a bit of oregano to taste - mix all in a blender. Delish.
Experiencing my parents as grandparents to my daughter. Laughter usually fills the space between our phones as we enter into conversation about that precious little wonder. Sometimes when they babysit, dad (Pepere) will call me almost with tears in his eyes to share something amazing she did. He wasn't a softy but he sure is a softy.
Apparently she thinks he's soft too - she rubbed his belly like Buddha and then dozed off!
FFH had a song out a few years ago, "Worship in the Waiting". Beautiful song, great harmonies. This thought came to me today as I wait for a few things to come to fruition. I will try to be present to the moment, not caught up in anxiety and trust that my God has it all t-a-k-e-n-c-a-r-e-o-f!
Grandma (mine) lives with assisted living. She is in her 90's. I have lost count of her exact number like I have lost many simple thoughts since being pregnant! I miss her. We visit as often as possible but I struggle with guilt of not getting there more. I have gone before and walking in her room find her crying. Not for any reason, just because. When I dare to imagine her life today, it is unbearable. No physical pain except for a runny nose. A million things are not good health-wise with her but she is still with us. Why? I pray. Not to be mean in any way, I love her and love her being part of O's life. But, I think she'd be much happier with her sisters and her God, laughing, playing bingo and smoking (will you let her have just one up there?). I keep praying for her each time I go to mass. She is brought communion weekly from the church and someone prays with her. Thank you for being present in that for her Lord. Please console her heart and show us what you desire of us in this time with her. Is there something undone/unforgiven/needed? Let your angels entertain her when we are not there with her - I know she has spiritual eyes and love for you deep in her heart. The tiny statue of You next to her bed tells me that.
The Omahaians are coming! We will be there stop on the way to a family vacation. Funny how I still picture each of my nieces and nephews to be still under 5 yrs of age. P, the oldest is almost beyond the rooftops tall and will be driving any day. Personalities have changed, maturity is setting in and I can't wait to see them.
I used to say as a teacher that I would have loved to put a pair of my shoes out in front of the classroom on meet the teacher night. In them, a sign would read "if you think you can do better, step right in!". Oh yes, I have always had a bit of a bite in my sweet disposition. It is not shown much anymore. I'm like a fine wine - getting better as I age. Back to the shoes. I pray that I can remember that I don't know the road others have been down. I have no place to judge - I am probably judged as much. In those same situations, who knows if I might have chosen exactly what they did, chosen better, chosen worse. I am grateful I have the opportunity to choose things - to do the best I can. Not the best that someone thinks I need/should/they would do. People fascinate me. I enjoy getting to hear some of the journeys that people share with me in my line of work. I learn, I share some, I gain a lot.
Speaking of gain. Damn. I wore a pair of what I thought were super cute crop jeans the other day. Oh my, I turned and caught a sideways glance in a mirror. Shouldn't have looked. What I don't see isn't there, right? Well, I don't know how I could've missed it. My junk in the trunk is packed. I wish I could just embrace it. This is my reality for today. God, grant me the serenity . . .
And on the note - peace out!
March 27, 2012
Men, Tires & Free Water
I have made it out of bed the last two mornings, within the 5:00 hour of the morning. Thank Heaven! I mean it, I have a stickler for a guardian angel and if I ask him to get me out of bed, he sure does. It has paid off, even if it was just enough time for me to get ready for the day before O woke up. I'm gonna work my way up to journaling, reading and enjoying my coffee slowly. Coffee. Now there's an interesting facet of my trip to Target this morning. I had both a target and manufacturer coupon for coffee. I was super excited to reach this almost "trifecta" of an experience (it was not on sale but the coupons totaled $3 off!!). Walking around the coffee aisle, I did not come upon this particular bag 'o joe. I asked the smart man in the red shirt for assistance. He led me to the one and only bag left of that coffee. This is not a fairy tale ending . . . it was whole bean and not the right flavor. UNCLE!
Men, tires and free water. A majority of our morning. Bless my DH for losing sleep sacraficially over this. His research skills are impeccable. I have come to understand, in the years that I have dared to pay attention, that men and women are vastly different. Some frustrating ways but some complimenting ways.Thank you God. I'm sure in the van enough, driving mile after mile, walking by those larger than Oreo cookies, black rubber tires. I rarely think to check them for obnoxiously invasive items. Low on air tires seem to jump out at me, but not items in the tires. Screw in my rear tire. Stepson spotted it this weekend. My favorite tire place fixes them for free. Same tire place suggested when I was there in October that we purchase new tires all around. Today was the day. DH researched and found great tires for us - they even ate the cost on a fourth tire so we would have all new ones that were the same brand. Safety is important to them too. Olivia and I enjoyed a free bottle of water with her snack as we waited.
Questions. I have so many questions floating around in my head, a few have made it to my notebook for future reference. A few meetings this week where these questions will be needed. Preparation is all, excited preparation. I have a few questions of not-so-pertinent things: Why does my dog look like he has better "smokey eyes" make up on than I do when I take the time to do it? Seriously. I looked at him this morning and felt a pang of jealousy. Gorgeous eyes! Why do some/alot/most women on t.v think it's okay to flaunt/showoff/reveal their melons to the public? That is totally what they look like. I am boycotting DWS. Have had enough of seeing so many melons - the host's dress last night put me over the edge. Disgusting and sad that the purpose is so distorted.
I love seeing the Edible Arrangements. Such a beautiful array of color, taste, texture, creation. (insert cheezy statement here) Not that I want to put my friends on a stick for display - but I am so grateful for the friends I have that are a beautiful array of color in my life, personality, and blessing. Some friends of closeness, some of distance, some of returning after many years, some of different circles in my life, some from childhood. I am grateful.
Men, tires and free water. A majority of our morning. Bless my DH for losing sleep sacraficially over this. His research skills are impeccable. I have come to understand, in the years that I have dared to pay attention, that men and women are vastly different. Some frustrating ways but some complimenting ways.Thank you God. I'm sure in the van enough, driving mile after mile, walking by those larger than Oreo cookies, black rubber tires. I rarely think to check them for obnoxiously invasive items. Low on air tires seem to jump out at me, but not items in the tires. Screw in my rear tire. Stepson spotted it this weekend. My favorite tire place fixes them for free. Same tire place suggested when I was there in October that we purchase new tires all around. Today was the day. DH researched and found great tires for us - they even ate the cost on a fourth tire so we would have all new ones that were the same brand. Safety is important to them too. Olivia and I enjoyed a free bottle of water with her snack as we waited.
Questions. I have so many questions floating around in my head, a few have made it to my notebook for future reference. A few meetings this week where these questions will be needed. Preparation is all, excited preparation. I have a few questions of not-so-pertinent things: Why does my dog look like he has better "smokey eyes" make up on than I do when I take the time to do it? Seriously. I looked at him this morning and felt a pang of jealousy. Gorgeous eyes! Why do some/alot/most women on t.v think it's okay to flaunt/showoff/reveal their melons to the public? That is totally what they look like. I am boycotting DWS. Have had enough of seeing so many melons - the host's dress last night put me over the edge. Disgusting and sad that the purpose is so distorted.
I love seeing the Edible Arrangements. Such a beautiful array of color, taste, texture, creation. (insert cheezy statement here) Not that I want to put my friends on a stick for display - but I am so grateful for the friends I have that are a beautiful array of color in my life, personality, and blessing. Some friends of closeness, some of distance, some of returning after many years, some of different circles in my life, some from childhood. I am grateful.
March 23, 2012
homegirl
We spent time today with an amazing friend and her 3 adorable kids. I will say that this friend is magical . . . after getting home from the playdate. O slept, get this, threefreakinhours! Thank you o magic friend! O wore herself out at their expense, seemed like Disneyland to her I am sure. Wait, she doesn't know about that place yet. Anywho - she touched and may or may not have sucked/chewed/kissed a number of their toys. All in the name of love of course, lover of toys. Above, my dear one was amusing herself in the sandbox. She loved it.
I don't so much love our neighbor right now. Nope, not the one with the barking dog, the other one. Been drinking since 2pm today. It's now 9:15. His entourage has accumulated more testosterone since then as well. O and I were out front playing until their conversation, which could be heard far down the street, turned to some "woman" who just had a b--b job and was u-know-whatting every man she could find, A few f-bombs and woman hater comments. . . Ya, just not my kind of crowd. So sad really. O and I moved to the backyard where the voices were faint and she swept for me after I pulled weeds.
Pulling weeds. I love the feeling of pulling them out by the root. Such an accomplishment really. Some of those suckers are deep and strong. I could totally insert a metaphor here, as this is soooo pertinent to my life right now. But I'll spare us all.
Mmmmm. dinner was grand tonight. Even if I did eat it by myself ( I really do love alone time, would have loved it a bit more had I had a glass of vino with it!). That is, until I had only the crust left and a few bites of salad. Then I heard it. That once adorable sound, not words yet. A sound like a baby bird calling somewhat angrily "momma bird, why are you not here right away to lift me out of my crib?". As if baby birds are in cribs to begin with. You get the picture. She cracks me up really. By the time I get into her room, either she is sitting down with the cutest bedhead ever, playing with her stuffed animals - or her cheeks are red from the workout she gets while jumping up and down in said crib. I love her. I shared the last few bites of dinner with her and it was amazing. She is amazing. God is amazing.
The original post to this wonderful new recipe for us is found
Potato Pizza. The original recipe said any tater would do, I thought of french fries immediately. I have always had such a deep affection for them. I used regular baking potatoes this time. And, this homegirl homefried them up with some good old fashioned real butter.
Follow to the end for the actual recipe. Patience is a virtue.
So, I use the Chebe gf pizza dough. It rocks and rolls!
I peeled and boiled the potatoes and then homefried them.
I had some fire-roasted veggies left over so I sauteed them up quickly too for DH to put atop the pizza if he so desired latahhhh when he eats. Trader Joe's has yummie frozen veggies.
I cannot tell a lie (right here, right now). I made a "just-in-case" pizza. Yes, one piece in the pic is ever so slightly smaller than the others. It simply had to be taste tested. It was wonderful. Dinner tomorrow.
TADAAAAAA!
1 pizza crust-homemade or purchased
olive oil
minced garlic
boiled red potatoes-I guess any tater would do
shredded 4 cheese blend
fresh rosemary, minced
Roll out pizza crust, brush with EVOO and garlic.
Bake at 350 for 8ish minutes.
Add sliced potatoes, sprinkle with cheese and chopped rosemary sprigs.
Bake another 5 mins or so.
March 22, 2012
Notes to self . . .
To do before the next leap year. I have high aspirations:
- stop eating popcorn for real
- get organized with meal planning for the week
- dust around the house - even just dusting "around" things will qualify
- start, work on and finish O's baby book
- start, work on and finish wedding album
- read something other than a parenting or healing book - a novel perhaps
- organize the plastic food storage containers
- throw a party for big people, not tiny people
To do in the near future, possibly tonight:
- pray for Ester - a new client with a brain tumor and surgery in April
- move toward acceptance
- enjoy the clean sheets on the bed
- find the recipe for potato pizza for tomorrow - a great meatless meal for lent
- have my own hair colored
- research a dr referral from a friend
- have a date night with DH
- try to remember the 3 or 4 things I am supposed to remind a good friend about - good luck!
- actually, physically get thy body out of bed at 5 a.m. when the alarm goes off
- stay in gratitude
- get the coffee pot filled and ready for the morning - I am no fun without my gogo juice
Tadone for today:
- let go and let God
- fostered relationships in my family
- chased O around living room
- a million other things
Goodnight noises everywhere!
The Lid Falls Off.
O's modus operandi since we got home from a lovely morning out with friends has been screaming and whining. "What, from such a sweet girl?" you ask? "Oh yes!" I reply. She knows when she has had enough of something and wants the rest of us to know right then and there too. Teeth are coming like a hailstorm for her and I am compassionate to the agony she is in. Working to fill up the syringe (minus a needle) with some medicine for her, she is in one arm as I finagle the bottle and syringe to meet in the other. The bottle lid falls off the counter to the floor below.
To most this is no big deal. To me, it seems to spell out life these days. Just as I (we mothers) try to get a handle on something (ok, a million things at once), something happens to change the course of our plans. Sort of like the difference in getting ourselves out of the door and now getting ourselves plus a few out the door. Some days defeat, some days triumph and some days it's just muck in the middle.
I think O thinks our dogs name is Outside. I find myself saying that a lot to him, in many different tones. He is about 5 yrs old, going on 5 months . . . thinks he is still a puppy and loves to be in the center of any action. Sweet, a teddy bear, but tends to drive this momma nuts being underfoot most of the time.
Ahhhh, finally moving forward on some small projects. Picture walls in homes, to me, are like a show of treasures the family has gathered through the years.
Laundry is waiting, a few loads for sure. Chicken thawing before it morphs into a yummy Teriyaki dish to serve. Searching for a coconut rice recipe, sounds like a good match. You, o dear blog are much more enticing for these few quiet moments.
Spending time with others is so vital to who I am. Conversation, laughter, presence, example are gained. With a friend this morning, still learning a bit about each other, I was reminded that no matter how "perfect" I/we would like things to go, situations to be, etc. It's what's in front of us that matters most. Somehow, things all work out.
In the salon I work at, there are many forms of conversation going on with any number of topics. As a former teacher, I used to think how overwhelmed I'd be if I kept track of how many papers I graded each week. I am amazed as I listen to the conversations, especially of moms, how many things a mom knows. Mom brains are storehouses for an overwhelming amount of and variety of information! From safety things, to story characters, to why things are done a certain way, to schedules, to body parts, to because I said so's, to bugs and insects, to places to eat/play, and the list goes on and on and on! Holy cow.
To most this is no big deal. To me, it seems to spell out life these days. Just as I (we mothers) try to get a handle on something (ok, a million things at once), something happens to change the course of our plans. Sort of like the difference in getting ourselves out of the door and now getting ourselves plus a few out the door. Some days defeat, some days triumph and some days it's just muck in the middle.
Laundry is waiting, a few loads for sure. Chicken thawing before it morphs into a yummy Teriyaki dish to serve. Searching for a coconut rice recipe, sounds like a good match. You, o dear blog are much more enticing for these few quiet moments.
Spending time with others is so vital to who I am. Conversation, laughter, presence, example are gained. With a friend this morning, still learning a bit about each other, I was reminded that no matter how "perfect" I/we would like things to go, situations to be, etc. It's what's in front of us that matters most. Somehow, things all work out.
In the salon I work at, there are many forms of conversation going on with any number of topics. As a former teacher, I used to think how overwhelmed I'd be if I kept track of how many papers I graded each week. I am amazed as I listen to the conversations, especially of moms, how many things a mom knows. Mom brains are storehouses for an overwhelming amount of and variety of information! From safety things, to story characters, to why things are done a certain way, to schedules, to body parts, to because I said so's, to bugs and insects, to places to eat/play, and the list goes on and on and on! Holy cow.
March 21, 2012
Timing is everything.
This being said, I still am so proud of O when she says Hi and Bye Bye minutes after we arrive or leave somewhere. I'm trying to teach her to say it as we approach or depart. Timing with a 1 yr old, as crazy as me skillfully trying to explain to her yesterday that we don't feed the doggy from our highchair - as said dog is all over me working to get through to her as she giggles holding food out for him. Useless for now perhaps. A lesson for the near future when I am more patient. Today all through the Trader Joe's parking lot O was saying Bye Bye. To whom, I don't know. Thank heaven she wasn't repeating one of the explatives momma slips and says hoping she is not in earshot.
It's been over a year now since I was pregnant. I can't let go of my maternity Old Navy yoga pants. I am happily wearing them today. Wish I was like so many who are back in pre-preggy clothes so soon after birth. Tis not for I apparently. Have tried everything I can think of, even just not eating. Something else is going on, will have to check that out. Soon. For now, my wobbly bits and I will continue wearing the yoga pants as comfy clothes and not feel one ounce of bad for it!
Fertile ground. No, I am not pregnant. I miss parts of it, after the first 13 weeks of course. I mean fertile ground as in time for growth. Plants, veggies, etc. Must be the right time, must have the right ingredients/combinations. Me thinks me will gets has gotten in the way of being that fertile ground in years past. Darn stubbornness. Am becoming more aware these days, of that will. Of doing the best I could with what I have had at any given time. God can use anything for His good - I will borrow someone's faith on this one for today.
Thank my Lord in heaven for the invention of the kitchen timer. I think this person is probably in heaven with the crock pot person, or will be there eventually! I love to bake but couldn't do it without the timer. Thank you M.R. for the recipe on "no-bake energy bites"! This made my day yesterday. Here is the recipe for those who are interested. Truly they are scrumptious! I added in craisins instead of chocolate chips, and added in walnuts because I am crazy for them. I also added chia seeds instead of flaxseed 'cuz that's what my cupboards offered me. There are gluten free oats from Bob's Redmill.
In closing . . . I'm trying each day to really believe that God knows better than I do. The proof is in the pudding, or at least in the tiny soul entrusted to us. As tedious as bath time for her can be at the end of a long day . . . when she holds my soapy hands while standing bravely in the bathtub, shaking her groove thaaang, I can't help but be grateful and relish these times. That smile, those chocolate eyes, those perfect little hands (when they are not flinging peas from her highchair to the floor or feeding the darn dog), I love them, her so very much.
It's been over a year now since I was pregnant. I can't let go of my maternity Old Navy yoga pants. I am happily wearing them today. Wish I was like so many who are back in pre-preggy clothes so soon after birth. Tis not for I apparently. Have tried everything I can think of, even just not eating. Something else is going on, will have to check that out. Soon. For now, my wobbly bits and I will continue wearing the yoga pants as comfy clothes and not feel one ounce of bad for it!
Fertile ground. No, I am not pregnant. I miss parts of it, after the first 13 weeks of course. I mean fertile ground as in time for growth. Plants, veggies, etc. Must be the right time, must have the right ingredients/combinations. Me thinks me will gets has gotten in the way of being that fertile ground in years past. Darn stubbornness. Am becoming more aware these days, of that will. Of doing the best I could with what I have had at any given time. God can use anything for His good - I will borrow someone's faith on this one for today.
Thank my Lord in heaven for the invention of the kitchen timer. I think this person is probably in heaven with the crock pot person, or will be there eventually! I love to bake but couldn't do it without the timer. Thank you M.R. for the recipe on "no-bake energy bites"! This made my day yesterday. Here is the recipe for those who are interested. Truly they are scrumptious! I added in craisins instead of chocolate chips, and added in walnuts because I am crazy for them. I also added chia seeds instead of flaxseed 'cuz that's what my cupboards offered me. There are gluten free oats from Bob's Redmill.
No Bake Energy Bites
(makes 18-20 bites, depending on size.)
We like big balls.
1 cup oatmeal
1/2 cup sunflower butter
1/3 cup agave
1 cup coconut flakes
1/2 cup ground flaxseed
1/2 cup mini chocolate chips
1 tsp vanilla
Mix everything above in a medium bowl until thoroughly incorporated. Let chill in the refrigerator for half an hour. Once chilled, roll into balls. Store in an airtight container and keep refrigerated for up to 1 week.
We've used good ol' peanut butter, honey, craisins, raisins, butterscotch chips and vanilla chips. The recipe above has been ourfavorite concoction so far.
Original post for recipe found here
In closing . . . I'm trying each day to really believe that God knows better than I do. The proof is in the pudding, or at least in the tiny soul entrusted to us. As tedious as bath time for her can be at the end of a long day . . . when she holds my soapy hands while standing bravely in the bathtub, shaking her groove thaaang, I can't help but be grateful and relish these times. That smile, those chocolate eyes, those perfect little hands (when they are not flinging peas from her highchair to the floor or feeding the darn dog), I love them, her so very much.
March 20, 2012
All Around . . .
What I see around me: Guitar lyrics & music from Dan Fogelberg. Obviously from DH. A movie from Redbox that needs to be taken back when I pick up the developed pictures I forgot to get while we were out this morning. Perhaps the reason I forgot. I hate paying a late charge even if it's only a dollar.Thank you guardian angel, you always have my back! A new magazine, "Living Without". Interesting and helpful info for living with food allergies. My calendar, beckoning me to become a little more "on top of things". Dust atop some shelves nearby. I'm glad dust neither smells nor turns funky colors, that way it can be easily forgotten. I'd rather vacuum. Toys, toys and more toys. So many who have gone this road of parenthood before us told us that we would feel overtaken by toys big and small. Thank you O wise ones. It could be worse, but it makes me grateful for other's generosity as I look at what has been gifted to us. Even if I trip over most of those "gifts". A floating balloon marked with shamrocks that was given to O for free yesterday while grocery shopping. She loves it and is scared of it all in the same breath.
What I hear in this moment: In the house, absolutely nothing aside from my clammering on the keyboard. Both loves of mine are sleeping and the darn dog is sunbathing. Birds are busily making their bird noises outside in our giant pine tree, some are leaving their versions of "gifts" on my car as we speak I am sure. I think I can hear a distant call from a few projects I have been wanting to tend to, calling me. I am selfish and want to be here typing instead. It's a good selfish as it is feeding me. Also feeding me are the delicious salty potato chips with absolutely gluten filled onion dip. I couldn't say no today.
Looking into my soul today, had the opportunity to go to church this morning. It's becoming a mid-week practice for O and I. The time together is priceless for us and for those in the pews around us as they chuckle at her cuteness. Especially in the quiet, solemn parts of the mass when it appears she is narrating the script in her own language. Perhaps they chuckle too as I pick her up to carry her to the back to walk as she gets whiny and squirmy. Kids never get that way in church, right? She hollers "bye bye" in the silent echo of the consecration. Only a mom could love that so much. Spirituality is hard for me lately. Who am I kidding, been hard for me with so many transitions the last few years. Some guilt in saying that, though not the typical Catholic guilt you hear joked about so often. Guilt I guess, feeling like I "should" be so many more things, so much more than I am. To me, that "S-H" word is offensive. I could drink in the presence of those around me who (in my perspective) are so okay with themselves as I am so thirsty for that in myself. A few people in my circles today have used that offensive "S-H" word lately and I am shying away from interaction with them. It's not personal, just how I'm rolling these days baby!
Dangerous. I'm feeling a little bit of this today . . . might change my toenail color, AND paint my fingernails too. I know, I know. Stop right there. I promise to think about not painting O's toenails. Don't think I haven't thought about it a handful of times. She is no longer biting those adorable little smokey's. Not promising an outcome. . . who am I kidding again? It's a workout just to clip the nails, can't imagine getting nail polish everywhere too!
Looking forward to the day ahead . . . meatball sandwiches for dinner, talking with a good friend, delving more into the new magazine and trying a new recipe from a friend for some no-bake goodies.Of course the painting occurring later in the day too!!
O Happy Day!
What I hear in this moment: In the house, absolutely nothing aside from my clammering on the keyboard. Both loves of mine are sleeping and the darn dog is sunbathing. Birds are busily making their bird noises outside in our giant pine tree, some are leaving their versions of "gifts" on my car as we speak I am sure. I think I can hear a distant call from a few projects I have been wanting to tend to, calling me. I am selfish and want to be here typing instead. It's a good selfish as it is feeding me. Also feeding me are the delicious salty potato chips with absolutely gluten filled onion dip. I couldn't say no today.
Looking into my soul today, had the opportunity to go to church this morning. It's becoming a mid-week practice for O and I. The time together is priceless for us and for those in the pews around us as they chuckle at her cuteness. Especially in the quiet, solemn parts of the mass when it appears she is narrating the script in her own language. Perhaps they chuckle too as I pick her up to carry her to the back to walk as she gets whiny and squirmy. Kids never get that way in church, right? She hollers "bye bye" in the silent echo of the consecration. Only a mom could love that so much. Spirituality is hard for me lately. Who am I kidding, been hard for me with so many transitions the last few years. Some guilt in saying that, though not the typical Catholic guilt you hear joked about so often. Guilt I guess, feeling like I "should" be so many more things, so much more than I am. To me, that "S-H" word is offensive. I could drink in the presence of those around me who (in my perspective) are so okay with themselves as I am so thirsty for that in myself. A few people in my circles today have used that offensive "S-H" word lately and I am shying away from interaction with them. It's not personal, just how I'm rolling these days baby!
Dangerous. I'm feeling a little bit of this today . . . might change my toenail color, AND paint my fingernails too. I know, I know. Stop right there. I promise to think about not painting O's toenails. Don't think I haven't thought about it a handful of times. She is no longer biting those adorable little smokey's. Not promising an outcome. . . who am I kidding again? It's a workout just to clip the nails, can't imagine getting nail polish everywhere too!
Looking forward to the day ahead . . . meatball sandwiches for dinner, talking with a good friend, delving more into the new magazine and trying a new recipe from a friend for some no-bake goodies.Of course the painting occurring later in the day too!!
O Happy Day!
March 18, 2012
Vive la France!
Oh yes, my heritage I love you. Mostly for your beautiful sounding language (I am a romantic at heart), but also for your French Toast. Mmmmm.
Rain and my husband next to me, I call that a good night. These days with his work schedule, being next to him is a luxury for me. Living in the freakin desert, getting rain is also a luxury. I was a woman of luxury last night, if only for a few hours. O actually played with her stuffed animals by herself for about an hour this morning, much needed extra sleep for me was a plus.
Trader Joe's and Starbucks next to each other, less than 1/2 a mile from our house. Need I say more? Ingredients bought, and sanity in the cup . . . breakfast could begin. Cinamen, cinnamen, cinamin, cinnoman (take your pick on the spelling), vanilla french toast . . .
Potatoes are a staple for me (and apparently for my backside). I would choose crunchy, salty potato chips over chocolate any day. I will take potatoes almost any way, hashbrowns are always delightful. Thank you Trader Joe's for gluten free ones that I didn't have to prepare!
Drinks of choice for the little one and I.
Nourishment for body. Done. Nourishment for soul. Done, church was food from heaven this morning. Nourishment for mind. Coming a long, this writing helps.
My truths today.
*I want to drive a motorcycle real bad.
*I seem to be dropping things quite a bit, I can promise that I am not pregnant (started and continued all through pregnancy with O).
*I crazily want a day to myself to just clean the house.
*There really is a lot to learn from tiny people (little people too, I am sure, but I mean our kids)
*(said in a feeble attempt at a Bridgit Joes' impression) *I am weary of my wobbly bits.
Cherrio!
Rain and my husband next to me, I call that a good night. These days with his work schedule, being next to him is a luxury for me. Living in the freakin desert, getting rain is also a luxury. I was a woman of luxury last night, if only for a few hours. O actually played with her stuffed animals by herself for about an hour this morning, much needed extra sleep for me was a plus.
Trader Joe's and Starbucks next to each other, less than 1/2 a mile from our house. Need I say more? Ingredients bought, and sanity in the cup . . . breakfast could begin. Cinamen, cinnamen, cinamin, cinnoman (take your pick on the spelling), vanilla french toast . . .
Drinks of choice for the little one and I.Nourishment for body. Done. Nourishment for soul. Done, church was food from heaven this morning. Nourishment for mind. Coming a long, this writing helps.
My truths today.
*I want to drive a motorcycle real bad.
*I seem to be dropping things quite a bit, I can promise that I am not pregnant (started and continued all through pregnancy with O).
*I crazily want a day to myself to just clean the house.
*There really is a lot to learn from tiny people (little people too, I am sure, but I mean our kids)
*(said in a feeble attempt at a Bridgit Joes' impression) *I am weary of my wobbly bits.
Cherrio!
March 16, 2012
When nature calls.
So, I'm the lone ranger on bedtime routine tonight for O. I get her undressed to nudybooty and take her into the bathroom to start the bathtub filling with water. I let go of her for one stinkin second and she takes off . . . those sausage like thighs are going too fast for me. . . she makes it to the front door which is open and the security door is keeping her inside. She loves to stand there and just watch the dog, usually she has clothes on though. It is so true what they say about running water helping you to go peepee. . . I came out to get her and sure as sh*& she was peeing with a huge grin on her face. I literally laughed out loud and let her finish. Oh the simple joys!
I have no oomph today. I was grateful by the end of my work day to have been busy with wonderful clients . . . so busy that I didn't even get to eat my delicious salad for lunch. I truly don't know how single moms or full time working outsidethehouse moms do it. I love my job when I am there - I love my clients and co-workers, also grateful to get to wear lipstick at least a few times a week. I don't wear it when I'm not at work because I'm usually giving kisses to my DH or O. When I am not at work I don't like to think about it because I enjoy being a stay at home mom A LOT.
Feeling a little desirous today (take your dirty mind right out of that gutter) . . . desirous of some things for me as a person/woman/creature. I desire to be less self critical, less fearful, less concerned with too many details, less inside the box on a number of things, and less afraid of my own potential. Just some thoughts as I drove home from work. I only have a 3 minute drive home from work but a very busy mind, obviously right?!
I desire to feel more healthy - I shouldn't eat popcorn but I do dangit! My name is Paula and I'm a popcornaholic. Thanks Dad (no bitterness here). It was a typical snack while growing up that is now ingrained in 2/4 of us kids. O absolutely goes nuts for it too. Someday maybe I'll be better at making those kinds of choices - to take better care of my self because it's the right thing to do. I miss my naturopathic doctor, may he rest in peace.
Have some things coming up, some are being looked forward to (a weekend trip with my DH and O, future ventures, new clients) some are not (visit to dr. for a follow up test, trying to keep the anxiety at bay, mapping out an actual budget for our family, trying to stop eating delicious and salty popcorn). Oh well. For today, in this moment I am good and incredibly blessed. That is all I have really - this moment.
O Lord, take these lemons in/of my life and transform them/me (gently please?) in to what they/I are/am meant to be - help me be the playdough to your crafting hand.
I have no oomph today. I was grateful by the end of my work day to have been busy with wonderful clients . . . so busy that I didn't even get to eat my delicious salad for lunch. I truly don't know how single moms or full time working outsidethehouse moms do it. I love my job when I am there - I love my clients and co-workers, also grateful to get to wear lipstick at least a few times a week. I don't wear it when I'm not at work because I'm usually giving kisses to my DH or O. When I am not at work I don't like to think about it because I enjoy being a stay at home mom A LOT.
Feeling a little desirous today (take your dirty mind right out of that gutter) . . . desirous of some things for me as a person/woman/creature. I desire to be less self critical, less fearful, less concerned with too many details, less inside the box on a number of things, and less afraid of my own potential. Just some thoughts as I drove home from work. I only have a 3 minute drive home from work but a very busy mind, obviously right?!
I desire to feel more healthy - I shouldn't eat popcorn but I do dangit! My name is Paula and I'm a popcornaholic. Thanks Dad (no bitterness here). It was a typical snack while growing up that is now ingrained in 2/4 of us kids. O absolutely goes nuts for it too. Someday maybe I'll be better at making those kinds of choices - to take better care of my self because it's the right thing to do. I miss my naturopathic doctor, may he rest in peace.
Have some things coming up, some are being looked forward to (a weekend trip with my DH and O, future ventures, new clients) some are not (visit to dr. for a follow up test, trying to keep the anxiety at bay, mapping out an actual budget for our family, trying to stop eating delicious and salty popcorn). Oh well. For today, in this moment I am good and incredibly blessed. That is all I have really - this moment.
O Lord, take these lemons in/of my life and transform them/me (gently please?) in to what they/I are/am meant to be - help me be the playdough to your crafting hand.
March 15, 2012
Observing & Reporting . . .
Oy vey, the things my eyes see and my mind comes up with.
I'll share the cutest item first. When I get down on O's level (as I used to do with my students), I see things with such a different perspective. Including this sweet image.
She totally has her Pepere's calves and she most likely inherited those chunkamunk thighs from her momma. I love them, I love her.
The house is quiet, she is sleeping after a telling morning of bottom molars working their way out. We visited a beautiful friend with a new member to the family, of whom I am completely in love with. I think we tuckered the poor guy out.
I love when I get the opportunity to step away from my "stuff" and be open to the present moment . . . there are so many beautiful things for me to observe. The many colors within one single tree or bush, how hard the teeny ants work to move a piece of food, the blessings that are within reach for me - food, shelter, signs of life, love and laughter. I was reminded today that when I stop being frustrated at others for not doing things "my way" (insert gasp here, yes I am human and stubborn) I realize they/we are doing the best we can. I don't believe I/others set out to do our worst in a day.
I heard a voice on the other end of my phone today that was so pleasant, reminded me of growing up and the voices I would hear of family from back East. You know, those who drive caaaas and paaak faaa away, those who tenderly put an "r" sound on the ends of words with vowels. Many times I was referred to, by own mother even, as Pauler.
I also heard a voice today that brought an ere of sadness. Things affect us, I believe. Especially for me, things with family. I am so grateful for the family that was given to me (you know, we can't pick our families). There is something plaguing a few that I love dearly so I will lift them up in prayer and allow them their journey.
Sometimes I observe things that are neither cute, funny or something I would consider a blessing. Today, I encountered one of those . . . I mean no disrespect here, but c'mon. Whilst cleaning the bathroom a question raised in my mind. Really? As much as I love men and boys, c'mon, is it really that hard to aim? I mean, I don't have one of those, but are they really that hard to operate? Lord have mercy!
On the flip side, I noticed that it snowed right here in Mesa Arizona today. Snowed cotton balls, that is. Yep, O decided to have some fun while momma cleaned. Better that than a lot of things one could find in a bathroom I guess.
I observed a lot of movement today - cars driving, people talking, one driver yelling at another, a puppy playing, my daughter running, my mind running, sounds of a bullhorn in our neighborhood (thanks to spring break and kids having fun), planes flying overhead and people twirling signs on street corners. I hope in all my movement today I can be grateful for my ability to move about and that I can be of service in some way.
Toenails not done yet - but on the list for tonight!!
Peace out.
I'll share the cutest item first. When I get down on O's level (as I used to do with my students), I see things with such a different perspective. Including this sweet image.
She totally has her Pepere's calves and she most likely inherited those chunkamunk thighs from her momma. I love them, I love her.
I love when I get the opportunity to step away from my "stuff" and be open to the present moment . . . there are so many beautiful things for me to observe. The many colors within one single tree or bush, how hard the teeny ants work to move a piece of food, the blessings that are within reach for me - food, shelter, signs of life, love and laughter. I was reminded today that when I stop being frustrated at others for not doing things "my way" (insert gasp here, yes I am human and stubborn) I realize they/we are doing the best we can. I don't believe I/others set out to do our worst in a day.
I heard a voice on the other end of my phone today that was so pleasant, reminded me of growing up and the voices I would hear of family from back East. You know, those who drive caaaas and paaak faaa away, those who tenderly put an "r" sound on the ends of words with vowels. Many times I was referred to, by own mother even, as Pauler.
I also heard a voice today that brought an ere of sadness. Things affect us, I believe. Especially for me, things with family. I am so grateful for the family that was given to me (you know, we can't pick our families). There is something plaguing a few that I love dearly so I will lift them up in prayer and allow them their journey.
Sometimes I observe things that are neither cute, funny or something I would consider a blessing. Today, I encountered one of those . . . I mean no disrespect here, but c'mon. Whilst cleaning the bathroom a question raised in my mind. Really? As much as I love men and boys, c'mon, is it really that hard to aim? I mean, I don't have one of those, but are they really that hard to operate? Lord have mercy!
On the flip side, I noticed that it snowed right here in Mesa Arizona today. Snowed cotton balls, that is. Yep, O decided to have some fun while momma cleaned. Better that than a lot of things one could find in a bathroom I guess.
I observed a lot of movement today - cars driving, people talking, one driver yelling at another, a puppy playing, my daughter running, my mind running, sounds of a bullhorn in our neighborhood (thanks to spring break and kids having fun), planes flying overhead and people twirling signs on street corners. I hope in all my movement today I can be grateful for my ability to move about and that I can be of service in some way.
Toenails not done yet - but on the list for tonight!!
Peace out.
March 14, 2012
Naked.
Ahhh, made you look!
My toenails are unpainted. There. I have confessed it! I feel naked because of that. My feet are one feature about my physical appearance that I have always liked and I enjoy having a splash of color on my toenails. However, with current transformations of my life, I am learning to put first things first of which toenail painting has not come in even 4th place. So, why am I writing now instead of painting said toenails? I decided (first things first) that in this moment, my mind needed nourishment with verbiage and my tummy needed nourishment with chips and homemade salsa.
Oh, the constant changes with sleep . . . need I say more? My mind is mush, my eyes burn, and I think I can literally hear my pillow calling my name at this very moment from down the hallway. O did not sleep much last night. Darn teeth. Which means Momma did not sleep much either. Finally I brought her bed with me (insert loud gasp), at 2:45 this morning and we snuggled. Ok, I got hit with her stuffed giraffe, my eyes poked, my cheeks pinched and I know I heard tiny giggles somewhere in that mix. Somewhere we must have fallen asleep in the wee hours because I woke to tiny breaths being felt on my nose and when I pried my eyes open, about 1/4 an inch away from my face was this.
Her smiling face beckoning me to wake up. How could I resist, even at 5:45?
Aside from being tired today, I am grateful for quite a bit:
A refrigerator drawer full of, you guessed it . . . LEMONS! I will figure out what to do with them. Already made gf lemon bars.
Chicken thawing on the counter, knowing my family will eat well tonight. How can I know that when I have absofreakinlutely no idea what I'm going to make with the chicken? I'll Google it.
Time with friends this morning and playing in the dirt with O.
Having a job to go to this evening where I am enriched as a person because of the clients I have and the peers I work with.
Time and conversation with my DH last night - of which I am sure he is grateful for me to have this new outlet for verbiage as I must get out those 17,000 words a day somehow and now he is partly off the hook!
That for today I am enjoying who I am.
Happy Day, and possibly happy toenail painting!
My toenails are unpainted. There. I have confessed it! I feel naked because of that. My feet are one feature about my physical appearance that I have always liked and I enjoy having a splash of color on my toenails. However, with current transformations of my life, I am learning to put first things first of which toenail painting has not come in even 4th place. So, why am I writing now instead of painting said toenails? I decided (first things first) that in this moment, my mind needed nourishment with verbiage and my tummy needed nourishment with chips and homemade salsa.
Oh, the constant changes with sleep . . . need I say more? My mind is mush, my eyes burn, and I think I can literally hear my pillow calling my name at this very moment from down the hallway. O did not sleep much last night. Darn teeth. Which means Momma did not sleep much either. Finally I brought her bed with me (insert loud gasp), at 2:45 this morning and we snuggled. Ok, I got hit with her stuffed giraffe, my eyes poked, my cheeks pinched and I know I heard tiny giggles somewhere in that mix. Somewhere we must have fallen asleep in the wee hours because I woke to tiny breaths being felt on my nose and when I pried my eyes open, about 1/4 an inch away from my face was this.
Her smiling face beckoning me to wake up. How could I resist, even at 5:45?
Aside from being tired today, I am grateful for quite a bit:
A refrigerator drawer full of, you guessed it . . . LEMONS! I will figure out what to do with them. Already made gf lemon bars.
Chicken thawing on the counter, knowing my family will eat well tonight. How can I know that when I have absofreakinlutely no idea what I'm going to make with the chicken? I'll Google it.
Time with friends this morning and playing in the dirt with O.
Having a job to go to this evening where I am enriched as a person because of the clients I have and the peers I work with.
Time and conversation with my DH last night - of which I am sure he is grateful for me to have this new outlet for verbiage as I must get out those 17,000 words a day somehow and now he is partly off the hook!
That for today I am enjoying who I am.
Happy Day, and possibly happy toenail painting!
March 13, 2012
Day 1
What I know to be true:
My kitchen floor appears much cleaner when the lighting is dim. It is dim right now.
My daughter will find any crumb of food on the floor and inevitably eat it. Doesn't matter how old it is.
The inventor of the crock pot will go straight to heaven.
Gluten free tortillas are just not the same.
What I believe:
We are all children of our creator, though we may see him differently. That is okay.
Jeans and bathing suits should not be labeled with sizes.
Life is not "easy".
The smell of popcorn popping could wake me from the dead.
What I wonder about:
Truly, where do the missing sock partners go?
What would happen if I said what I really think?
What does my daughter mean when she babbles, "dibit dibit dibit, dibit"?
Do the people in my life know how much I love them?
What I pray for:
Those alone in hospitals.
My children, family members and friends.
An end to Abortion and Euthanasia.
That my life is useful to others.
My kitchen floor appears much cleaner when the lighting is dim. It is dim right now.
My daughter will find any crumb of food on the floor and inevitably eat it. Doesn't matter how old it is.
The inventor of the crock pot will go straight to heaven.
Gluten free tortillas are just not the same.
What I believe:
We are all children of our creator, though we may see him differently. That is okay.
Jeans and bathing suits should not be labeled with sizes.
Life is not "easy".
The smell of popcorn popping could wake me from the dead.
What I wonder about:
Truly, where do the missing sock partners go?
What would happen if I said what I really think?
What does my daughter mean when she babbles, "dibit dibit dibit, dibit"?
Do the people in my life know how much I love them?
What I pray for:
Those alone in hospitals.
My children, family members and friends.
An end to Abortion and Euthanasia.
That my life is useful to others.
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