Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There. Just needed to let that breath out. Felt like I was holding it all day. Daughter is in bed sound a sweet sleep and hubby is rockin out with his guitar buddies. I am home. Quiet. Peace. Serenity now.
At our church we have vents on the floor for the air conditioner. I can't quite get my head around that. It's a bit tricky at communion time when the minister is standing close to one, and as a person in line (wearing a skirt) you have to try really hard not to end up standing on top of the vent as the line moves. Might be a terrible Marilyn Monroe moment. O loves the vents. Maybe that's why they are there. She was fascinated with them tonight. Loud giggles would erupt as she bent forward and had the gust of cold wind blowing right in her face. Her amazing amount of hair was blowing every direction. She would stay for a few seconds, turn away giggling and run in a circle, to end up at the vent once more.
I'm the parent with the little one running (and may or may not be screaming or talking constantly) around in the foyer of the church during mass. The parent who feeds her 14 month old crumbless snacks while in the pew to keep her entertained and quiet (and because the mass times we can attend these days are complete opposite of what works with her schedule. I need all the help I can get). The parent who lets her bring her stuffed giraffe that plays soft music when it is wound up, or when she moves it neck during the quietest part of mass. Oh boy. The parent who realizes I had wayyyyy to many opinions about people who had kids before I was a person with a kid. I get it now.
I think the stranger beside us gets it too. He was an older gentleman attending mass with his wife. O had the run of about 2 feet in the pew between me and the gentleman. He truly was gentle, with her. She kept walking over to him (yes of course, during the scripture readings), trying to share her snacks or show him her book. Instantly I didn't know what to do - was she bothering him, was he feeling disturbed from prayer, did he hate kids? I saw a tender smile be given from him to her and she ran back to me and smiled at me. As if to say, "that man smiled at me and it made me happy". He entertained her a few more times, holding out his hand when she put a soggy piece of snack in it and he giggled. He even acknowledged her during the sign of peace, my heart was touched. Another gentleman across the aisle was making eye contact with my little princess and she was loving it. He was kind too. Near the end of mass I was trying to pack the baby bag back up while holding a very tired and crying baby girl. Sippy cup drops out of bag and starts rolling down the aisle. Gentleman gets up, and retrieves the cup for me. I almost cried and managed a very humble "thank you so much". My heart brakes for single parents. Being alone with O in situations like this really sink their journey into my heart. I love kind strangers. I try to be one too.
More of me has emerged. I can feel it. I can see it. I am grateful for some recent experiences that have brought me to this.(I am that living lemon still) I believe I do the best I can each day, that life is a journey not a destination (here on earth at least). I have some questions for my God when I get to be with Him again. Sometimes I think I'll sound like Jerry Seinfeld when I get to the pearly gates - a bit sarcastic but truly wanting to know the whats and whys behind some silly things!
I'm weepy today. Not too strange, I am a woman after all. Could be lack of remembering to take a medication I am supposed to take. Could be cyclical if you know what I mean. Could be a lot of things I suppose. Sometimes the tears feel good. Perhaps the release they bring? I got extra time snuggling with O tonight. When I don't have a lot of time with her on the days I work, it seems as if she needs more of me at night when we are together. I don't mind one bit. Tonight was that sort of night. She did not want to be put to bed when she was, so the screams announced. I rocked with her and sang to her and cried. It was mystical. I still can't believe in moments like this that I am a momma and this is my baby girl. Sigh. Just took off my glasses to wipe my eyes again - tears of thanksgiving, truly.
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