The Big Easy

I'm not talking Louisiana. I'm talking life. Remarked to my sister the other day that I had NO clue how much becoming a mom to one teeny tiny being could change so much of my life. Moms *get* it. I did not get it until I was given the mom shoes to wear. You know the ones, cracked heels and toenails that need a pedicure badly. I used to judge think to myself that those women looked undone. I mean, c'mon. How hard could it be to get yourself ready and actually do your hair? Fool with a CAPITAL f, was I. I didn't know any better, but shame on me still.

I think I am gaining a tad more experience and wisdom each day about perspective and priorities. And, besides It's not really good to wash my hair every day anyway, my curls like day 2 better. Showering is a daily must on my list. Teeth brushing, well on the days when I remember to do it (like 9/10 days) I call it good. Sleep is a luxury (can't say it's over-rated because I am not so far gone that I have forgotten what good sleep is like. Don't get me wrong, O sleeps through the night and I am wildly grateful, but part of her sleep time is my *get it done/time to myself/prayer* time. Again, priorities.)

I have been open to easy things. That sounds bad. Rephrase. I am open to finding easier ways of doing things, open to not trying to make an *event* of many things in my daily life, and keeping things simple. I hear the wise mommas who are on the road ahead of me say that this won't last forever. I will someday, have time again to tend to those cracked heels, keep up on the toenails and perhaps even sleep 24 hours if I so sweetly desire. I just have to hang in at least 18 or so more years . . .


McDonald's drive through, $1 unsweetened ice teas
leftovers on the nights that I work
one huge load of laundry instead of 2 small/medium loads
cute and comfy flip flops for summer
threw away my *25 hour* foundation and stopped stressing about the extra hour in a day it challenged me to
short prayers are still prayers
PBJ works just fine for lunch
standing up against a wall, with a tennis ball between us and rolling it around helps take knots out of my back

Just a few *easies*.

Some of the not-so-easy things these days-

Parenting. I am keenly aware of wanting to form my daughter well with character, faith and morals. In working this past week to teach her about obedience I am really seeing the strength and endurance it takes from a parent to impart these things to a creature who wants the complete opposite. Not that these creatures are evil in anyway, I just don't see them bursting forth from the womb with a desire to do what is right. I see that as our job to teach them. I am excited to be at this place with O. I pray for the grace to stay willing, to rely on God, and to remember the greater importance of these small lessons. As a teacher, I used to plan my years backward. I would look at where the students needed to be by the end of my year with them and then plot down on the calendar a rough sketch of what needed to be taught all the way to the fundamentals of how I ran my classroom in the very beginning. I see this with my parenting too. I want O to be a responsible, hard working, faith filled and loving person (other things too), and how I model those for her, teach her and provide her with experiences to enhance them will aid in getting her to adulthood and self sufficiency. God help me.

Figuring out my faith. I was raised in a faith. I love that faith. Something about it isn't working for me these days. Another journey, really? I'm a little tired from the ones of recent, wouldn't mind a breather.

Friendships. Someone shared on fb an article about older (uhuh, I am now in that crowd) people and friendships. The article commented that friendships get harder as we get older. Our focuses change. No longer are we consumed with social gatherings, phone conversations, etc. We are focused on our spouses and kids. Again, the priorities fit in here. I struggle though. I see some people having close friendships and it looks so easy from the outside. I have a ton of friends, it overwhelms my DH. I don't talk to them often, and I feel really out of touch. I miss the days of long ago, spending upwards of an hour on the phone with one just chatting away, sitting at lunch or going shopping and talking most of the time. I miss the *knowing* that happened in those close friendships. I really miss it.

I will share one final note about myself as we are coming upon one of my favorite seasons. BTS.
Butter the seeds?
Bat the socks?
Be the sucker?
nope.
Back to School!
I have a love affair with office supplies. My DH burst out laughing when I admitted this a few years ago. I could spend hours and more hours in just one office supply store and be completely almost fulfilled. I love post its, pens, paper, folders, calendars, stacky things, sticky things, pencils, mechanical pencils, notepads and more!

Denvah

I hear it in my mind as if a smokey-voiced tiny older woman from Boston is saying Denver.

It's on my mind. Ok, just outside of Denver, Centennial really, on my mind. My 14 mo. older sister and her family  moved there recently. O and I traveled there last week for a short vacay. Mom and dad were there also - mini family reunion minus my brother and other sister. It was nice, I forget the Lamy sense of humor when I am not around a lot of us often.Tis a beautiful thing. Though, I never feel original in it, I tend to feel like I am just imitating one sibling or another when I make a crack or witty statement. Felt real good to laugh a lot - the kids brought that on with their silliness and personalities, and O did her share as well.

Some of the biggest laughs were with O as she experienced bubbles for the first time. E, my nephew was a great and patient teacher and man, could he blow HUGE bubbles! A, my niece was pretty good at it too, getting creative with the different wands.

Then, we all got a good laugh at this next scene. My sister's new dryer wasn't working well . . . she thought they bought a lemon. Turns out, our "fix-it" father connected the swallows they kept seeing to the dryer vent and viola. This is the mess he cleaned out of there. Dryer works perfect. 

 O was chillin on the swing in her new floppy hat.












She, who was whining about her toes barely touching the water, soon found out how fun mud was to play with.

 3 of the 4 cousins and only one was throwing a fit when asked to stop playing in the mud for a picture. Guess who that was?






O had the time of her life in that little stream, in a matter of 30 minutes.

           This birdhouse brought me much joy every morning as I sipped my coffee on the back porch.

These two were almost inseparable during our stay there. 

This little guy was a master at picking raspberries, they grew right in their backyard.

 Ahhh, the 4 of them together with 3 1/2 smiles!

Most touching memory of the trip . . . 

walking into my nephew's room and finding this on his bed. 

When they moved to Colorado a few years back, I made each of them a pillow 

(bought pillows, printed out a message on iron on sheets and put them on the new pillow cover). 

All 3 of them still have the pillows and they are nicely worn!

The poem reads: Here is a hug from me to you, when you are sad or feeling blue, 

always know that I love you, 

love Auntie Paula.

hereinthisplacetoday

wishing. 
i am feeling a bit low/lazy/undone today. no capitals, i will preserve my energy.
every now and then one of these days comes up from the depths. i could sleep all day, cry a river, not speak a word or see another soul. in all of that i hear something profound. i am in need. a few brief moments that i have had to myself the last week to indulge in my latest addiction aside from popcorn, words with friends. i think i am up to 6 or 7 games going at the same time. i am a little insane. i feel like it is spurring some health back to my brain, feeling that it's less mushy with this "exercise" for it. i recognize that it is not enough. why do i feel such guilt to recognize this part of me? i'm catholic, i come from dysfunction, i am a mom . . . there are three reasons enough right there. i find myself even anxious this.very.moment. to type as fast as i can while my little one is napping, because when she wakes my "me" time is gone. it becomes "our time" which is nourishing to a different part of me.

i was having a hard time breathing this morning. not physically. the overcast outside was relevant to the overcast inside me today. i decided to not let it overrun me so we went to the park. o, me, and a bagful of popcorn. she ate it on the way there, shared a few morsels with the ducks (which never seem to look like the ducks in her books at home by the way), and ate more as we sat and enjoyed the fresh humid air. i feel a little better. 

wishing i was superwoman is hard to let go of. i don't know if a lot of women struggle with this or just a chosen few of us who come from "where" i come from. i have known women who just let things go, struggle not (at least that we outsiders see), and can just be. i seem to have a never-ending list of things to be done building in my mind. perhaps i wouldn't feel like such a defeated worker if i just chucked the list? from where does that ability come, i would like to know. someone challenged me this week to just attempt 5 things a day. she is not a wife or mom, she doesn't get it, in my opinion. to me, that would be 5 things in addition to: diaper changes, playtime, feeding times, redirecting/teaching, dishes, bathtime, etc. these are tasks that need to be done daily. extras would be, laundry, reading, exercise, errands, menu planning, etc. ahhhh, head is swirling already. i used to think i couldn't wait until i was in this part of my life. similar to a kid who can't wait to be 16 and driving i suppose. not that i don't absolutely love my dh and my kid, i do. guess i just feel a bit lost these days in my vocationS and running a business (i love that a lot too). sort of like the new m&m candies that are out with the pretzels inside. . . salty and sweet.

wishing these small tasks could just get done already . . .
transferring pics from camera to computer
organize pics on the computer
vacuum out the van
get rid of o's cups that are not spill-proof before i lose my mind over spilled drinks
file a stack of things that need to be filed
untangle 3 necklaces that have been conjoined for months now
take my sk---y clothes out of my closet . . .no, not skanky clothes, try again . . . ski--y
dust the baseboards (what? am i freakin crazy?)
pull weeds
plant flowers - wait, the cilantro never made it. i might need to rethink this and get silk plants
organize o's paperwork from when she was born up to now - yep i am that procrastinator these days
make the packing list for the soon approaching trip to see auntie trishy, uncle raul and the cousins next week
clean off the top of my dresser
put batteries in a number of toys and flameless candles that need them
research this paleo diet i keep reading/hearing about



tis raining outside. i mean really raining. i hear kids playing in it, and if o was awake we would be doing the same. i would like some of that freedom today, breaking away from the everyday rules and regs of needs/have to's. 
it feels good to hear it, smell it and watch it. i love nature. i used to love, in college, sitting out on the porch in ohio and watching the snow fall. it would get so quiet you could hear it. it looked like glitter coming down as it came through the street lights' illuminating power. it was magnificent to this cactus-grown girl. i didn't like it so much when it plastered the city, covered my car, and froze my locks though.

with as much about myself or the details of my life that i would like/wish to change, i have a lot to be grateful for. at the end of the day, i think that is a good place to be. 

perhaps a personal retreat is in order soon. perhaps a night out with some girlfriends, or a massage and pedicure? something, that's for sure. i heard, not too long ago, that it is better to give from our abundance than to give from our depletion. makes sense. 


cheeseburger pie for dinner, easy and might fulfill the desire to bake today