i am feeling a bit low/lazy/undone today. no capitals, i will preserve my energy.
every now and then one of these days comes up from the depths. i could sleep all day, cry a river, not speak a word or see another soul. in all of that i hear something profound. i am in need. a few brief moments that i have had to myself the last week to indulge in my latest addiction aside from popcorn, words with friends. i think i am up to 6 or 7 games going at the same time. i am a little insane. i feel like it is spurring some health back to my brain, feeling that it's less mushy with this "exercise" for it. i recognize that it is not enough. why do i feel such guilt to recognize this part of me? i'm catholic, i come from dysfunction, i am a mom . . . there are three reasons enough right there. i find myself even anxious this.very.moment. to type as fast as i can while my little one is napping, because when she wakes my "me" time is gone. it becomes "our time" which is nourishing to a different part of me.
i was having a hard time breathing this morning. not physically. the overcast outside was relevant to the overcast inside me today. i decided to not let it overrun me so we went to the park. o, me, and a bagful of popcorn. she ate it on the way there, shared a few morsels with the ducks (which never seem to look like the ducks in her books at home by the way), and ate more as we sat and enjoyed the
wishing i was superwoman is hard to let go of. i don't know if a lot of women struggle with this or just a chosen few of us who come from "where" i come from. i have known women who just let things go, struggle not (at least that we outsiders see), and can just be. i seem to have a never-ending list of things to be done building in my mind. perhaps i wouldn't feel like such a defeated worker if i just chucked the list? from where does that ability come, i would like to know. someone challenged me this week to just attempt 5 things a day. she is not a wife or mom, she doesn't get it, in my opinion. to me, that would be 5 things in addition to: diaper changes, playtime, feeding times, redirecting/teaching, dishes, bathtime, etc. these are tasks that need to be done daily. extras would be, laundry, reading, exercise, errands, menu planning, etc. ahhhh, head is swirling already. i used to think i couldn't wait until i was in this part of my life. similar to a kid who can't wait to be 16 and driving i suppose. not that i don't absolutely love my dh and my kid, i do. guess i just feel a bit lost these days in my vocationS and running a business (i love that a lot too). sort of like the new m&m candies that are out with the pretzels inside. . . salty and sweet.
wishing these small tasks could just get done already . . .
transferring pics from camera to computer
organize pics on the computer
vacuum out the van
get rid of o's cups that are not spill-proof before i lose my mind over spilled drinks
file a stack of things that need to be filed
untangle 3 necklaces that have been conjoined for months now
take my sk---y clothes out of my closet . . .no, not skanky clothes, try again . . . ski--y
dust the baseboards (what? am i freakin crazy?)
pull weeds
plant flowers - wait, the cilantro never made it. i might need to rethink this and get silk plants
organize o's paperwork from when she was born up to now - yep i am that procrastinator these days
make the packing list for the soon approaching trip to see auntie trishy, uncle raul and the cousins next week
clean off the top of my dresser
put batteries in a number of toys and flameless candles that need them
research this paleo diet i keep reading/hearing about
tis raining outside. i mean really raining. i hear kids playing in it, and if o was awake we would be doing the same. i would like some of that freedom today, breaking away from the everyday rules and regs of needs/have to's.
it feels good to hear it, smell it and watch it. i love nature. i used to love, in college, sitting out on the porch in ohio and watching the snow fall. it would get so quiet you could hear it. it looked like glitter coming down as it came through the street lights' illuminating power. it was magnificent to this cactus-grown girl. i didn't like it so much when it plastered the city, covered my car, and froze my locks though.
with as much about myself or the details of my life that i would like/wish to change, i have a lot to be grateful for. at the end of the day, i think that is a good place to be.
perhaps a personal retreat is in order soon. perhaps a night out with some girlfriends, or a massage and pedicure? something, that's for sure. i heard, not too long ago, that it is better to give from our abundance than to give from our depletion. makes sense.
cheeseburger pie for dinner, easy and might fulfill the desire to bake today
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